How the Third Month Went

Dear Zachary,

Congratulations, baby guy, you've made it through the fourth trimester!

This month has been full of developments that have, thankfully, made my life easier. Whereas you used to want to be held all the time, and would only sleep for a couple hours at night before wanting to eat again, you have now graduated to being able to spend up to twenty minutes happily kicking it up by yourself on your activity mat, and sleeping 4-5 hours for one stretch during the night! This is huge, as twenty minutes is practically an eternity (it seems) where I can actually wash dishes, put laundry into the machine, and clean the litter box. And now that you're better at sleeping at night, I feel like a normal human being most days. Maybe I've gotten a little too used to that, though, as last week when you had a couple days of growth spurt, I was almost offended at having to wake up every other hour again...

Last month I wrote about how it was starting to sink in that you are really a permanent part of our family. Well, this month I'm starting to realize how much I like you being in our family, nay, how fiercely I love having you in my life. When they say that having a baby changes you, they're right; I never used to get what the big deal was with motherhood, but when I read two motherhood-centric books this month -- Amy Tan's The Valley of Amazement and Lois Leveen's Juliet's Nurse -- I was surprised by how strongly I identified with the mothers depicted, and how heartbroken I felt as I empathized with these fictional characters' losses. For all that I sometimes wish I had more time to myself, I can't even imagine what it would be like to have you taken away, baby guy. Sometimes when you're sleeping especially well (six hours and not a peep?!), I panic and have to check on you to make sure you haven't died of SIDS or anything crazy like that. When I went shopping last weekend for a couple of hours on my own (the longest I've been away from you!), I missed holding your little warm body, kissing your cheeks, and smelling your head. For someone who's fairly unsentimental, this is a new experience.

I've always inwardly sneered (okay, outwardly, too) at the Christmas song "Mary Did You Know?" for being ultra cheesy, but this Christmas, I find myself being less disdainful and more touched by it. Maybe it's just the new cover by Pentatonix, but I've a sneaking suspicion that it's actually my grinchy T heart growing three sizes (one size per month you've been alive?) bigger, but I just don't know how Mary did it, short of supernatural empowerment by the Holy Spirit. When I cuddle you and think about Mary giving up her baby to death on the cross, when I delight in your laughter and think about God sending His son to earth in the form of a tiny baby, I'm floored all over again by the Christmas story. What an incredible thing to have God with us, to have a high priest in Jesus who knows what the whole human experience is like. Maybe it's selfish of me not to want peace on earth and all men to have goodwill toward each other, but to be honest, my wish this Christmas is for you to grow up to know the Savior personally, to be able to experience the joy of Emmanuel.

love,
Mommy

Likes:

• Reading books. This makes me so incredibly happy! In the last month, you've come to really enjoy reading together. You get extra grinny and babble up a storm when I read to you. Your favorites, based on amount of noise made, are the Sandra Boynton board books, although Goodnight Moon is also up there. 

• Song time. You are most likely to laugh when I sing you songs that have hand motions (which I make up a lot of the time). Favorites: The Wheels on the Bus, Little Bunny Foo Foo, The Wise Man and the Foolish Man.
• Looking at yourself in the mirror. You little narcissist, you! Tummy time becomes much more bearable when you get to see yourself in the little hand mirror. 
• Bouncing. You love kicking your legs, and you love kicking off of things even more. Helping you bounce is a surefire way to get you to stop crying. 

Happy early Christmas!
Daddy got you a jumper so that you could hopefully burn off some of that excess energy.

Dislikes:

• Putting down drowsy but awake. We've been working on sleep training the last couple of weeks and you are seriously pissed off every time your head touches the bassinet. It doesn't matter how close you were to nodding off, there is no such thing as shush-patting you to sleep. 
• Your swing. You slept in it for a month or so, then started associating it with that awful time of day when Mommy and Daddy left you alone in the dark, so now even though we've transitioned you to sleeping in the bassinet, you still arch your back and cry when we put you in the swing for "amusement."

Other Notes:

• You now laugh regularly. Not a lot, but at least a few times a day, just enough that it makes us do ridiculous things in hopes of getting a laugh. Congratulations, you have learned how effective behavioral conditioning is on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. 

• People regularly comment on how mature and alert you are for only being three months old. As you continue to nap poorly during the day, the latter adjective becomes more and more likely to evoke hysterical laughter from your parents. If only you would be a little less alert!
• You discovered your hands a few weeks ago and have been enjoying their unique flavor ever since. It was seriously difficult trying to get pictures of you this month without your fists jammed into your mouth. This is only a small selection:

• We took you to 婆婆 and 公公's house for the first time for Thanksgiving, where you finally met your last two uncles, Fenxi and Gummy. Nobody was particularly impressed or interested. 

• At least your big brother Walnut has gotten more used to you! He no longer leaves the room when you start crying (sometimes he'll even come whine at me when you start crying in another room, as if to say "Excuse me, but did you notice he's crying again? Aren't you going to do something about it?"), and he'll even come hang out when you're in my lap. 

• You rolled over from tummy to back for the first time this morning! Unfortunately, we have been unable to get you to do it again. You're probably regretting rolling over in the first place, as it means that you keep getting extra tummy time as we try for a repeat. 
• Since it's your first Christmas, Mommy tried so hard to get some good pictures for a Christmas card. Looking up ideas on Pinterest + no actual understanding of how to use the manual settings on the DSLR = ridiculous pictures of you looking like a creepy, otherworldly baby. 

I SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING. I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE. 

Okay, let's not finish on that note. Here's one showing you having entirely too much fun being naked and surrounded with shiny lights:

Joyful joyful!

Dad's Thoughts, Vol. 2

Al Capone once said, "You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."  

Eleven weeks in the books with Zachary and this baby guy really has come a long way. In the context of this quote, the smile has made a world of difference. I am experiencing my son in new ways every day and the simple fact that he can at least produce a smile makes me feel more connected to him and Cindy. Going back to the quote, Zach's "gun" will be each successive milestone.

Some highlights since I last wrote, besides the smile:

• Eating at some of our favorite food places. We didn't think that we'd be able to take you to some of our favorite eateries so early in your life. I thought it'd be at least 5-6 months before we could take you anywhere. Then we decided to bust out the Ergobaby for me to carry you to church at 7 weeks since you were already 12 pounds (you big eater). 

We went to 85C Bakery the day after Thanksgiving and you were so good!

• Having you practice standing and jumping. You have way too much energy. I can hold you under your armpits and you can bend your knees and bounce up and down on your own. Sometimes, I'll help you get some air after bending your knees. 

Helping you stand so that we can compare you to your friend Caden.

• Seeing you grow like a beast. Statistically you somehow manage to be above the 95th percentile for head circumference and height. And everyday you get heavier than my bowling ball. 

Multitasking: feeding you and scratching your big brother at the same time.

• Seeing you release gas. It's more rewarding to burp you because I know that it relieves a nuisance in your esophagus and somehow it gets louder every week. Your burps are louder than your Auntie Ashley's. 
• Sock patrol. Someone is always on duty when we go out to make sure you don't lose a sock. You love kicking which means you also love to loosen those socks from your feet. Lost sock count: 0 so far...

These footed sleepers are really supposed to be pajamas, but sometimes we take you out in them during the day because that way, there's no chance of you losing a sock. 

How the Second Month Went

Dear Zachary,

It's really starting to sink in that you are a real, permanent part of our family. I'll confess, the first month I was still kind of holding my proverbial breath, half hoping/fearing that someone official was going to come along and be like, okay you've done pretty well keeping this baby alive, but let's be real here, you don't have what it takes to raise a child so we're going to give it to someone who actually knows what they're doing. However, you're still here, and the only people who have shown up unexpectedly at our door have been ADT salesmen, and they always come at the most inopportune moments, like after you've just gotten into the bath, or as you're screaming in hunger. But that's neither here nor there. Anyway!

At this point, the chronic sleep deprivation is starting to take its toll. The first month, I was still running on banked sleep and adrenaline and anxiety (i.e. OMG I have a baby whose life depends on me!!!), but now that you show no signs of expiring, the latter two are no longer there to spur me on, and so it becomes harder and harder to drag myself upright for middle-of-the-night feedings. Thankfully, a couple of weeks ago, you started smiling for real! Not just I'm-happy-I'm-full-of-milk smiles, but genuine, I'm-happy-to-see-you smiles! Your toothless grin makes it all worth it, and seeing you so happy is enough to melt this T's heart. You even had one full-bodied chortle a couple of days ago when the Zojirushi sang its little finished-boiling-the-water song, but it may have been a fluke, as we have been unsuccessful in getting you to laugh again.

Along with smiling, you've also started being much more interactive and personable, and I'm finding it much more rewarding to be home with you all day. There are still difficult moments (okay, they're a lot longer than moments), of course. When you won't nap even though you're tired, when you won't settle down and eat even though you're crying with hunger, when you don't want to hold still long enough to put socks on even though your feet are cold -- are you starting to sense a theme? -- I get glimpses of how much God must love us (and how frustrated He must get!). I want so badly to give you what you need, but you reject it, but I keep trying and trying. That's so like us humans with our Heavenly Father, it really makes it more real to me how big God's heart is. When you are crying with that heart-rending high-pitched wail and I can't figure out how to make things better for you, my heart hurts and I see the truth of Matthew 7:9-1, "Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" So even though being a mom is hard, and I sometimes miss my old life, I have to thank you, baby guy, for giving me a more complete picture of how incredibly much God loves me. And I hope you know that love one day. In the meantime, I'm going to keep trying to keep those ridiculously tiny socks on your cute fat feet.

See? Even when you're sleeping the socks just start creeping down and off, like they've got a mind of their own...

Love,
Mommy


Likes:

• Kicking and punching at all the dangly toys in your activity gym. We were worried at first that maybe it was a waste of money because you didn't seem to like it much, but it turns out we just had to wait for you to get old enough to find all the bright colors and jingly/crinkly noises engaging. You get really excited when you kick the arch supports just right and everything shakes. 
• Having conversations on the changing table. After you're all cleaned up, you get all talkative with your coos and gurgles; you grin and kick and punch when we talk back to you. It makes it so that finding out you have a dirty diaper is almost fun. Almost. 
• Keeping handfuls of lint and cat hair in your fists. I don't know where you get it, but every morning when I wash your face and hands, you've somehow managed to acquire a bunch of fuzz in between your fingers, despite having your hands inside your swaddler the whole night. And then when I try to clean it out, you ball up your hands into fists and won't let go, like it's some kind of treasure. 

Did you want to see my fist? Here, let me show you. 

• Sleeping while being worn. Your longest naps are in the K'tan or the Ergo, and you even laugh in your sleep!
• The first five minutes of tummy time. You are really excited about sticking your head up and looking around. 

Your pediatrician says that your head control is at the three-month-old level. Way to be an overachiever!

• Music. Daddy busted out his guitar a few days ago and you were absolutely mesmerized. And then we brought you to church for Celebration Sunday and you were bouncing and head-bobbing and waving your arms to the music the whole time, totally engaged. 

• People. When new people come over to you at church and smile at you, you smile and crinkle up your eyes and bare your toothless gums, which all the old ladies find endearing. TBH, I find it endearing too. You sure know how to charm 'em, and now I'm a little scared that you might turn out to be an extrovert...

Dislikes:

• When Mommy eats brussel sprouts, cabbage, and other cruciferous vegetables. The resulting milk gives you the most incredible gas, which means you're up all night with tummy ache. 
• Your car seat. This is new and sad, as previously you were happy to sit in it. Now, if you're in your car seat, you are unhappy unless we are going over 35 mph. This makes taking you on walks and getting errands done very challenging. 

Sad face!

• Napping on your own for more than thirty minutes. This is progress since last month, when we couldn't even put you down to nap. Now, we can put you down, but you'll start crying your heart out 20-30 minutes later. 
• Hats. You've got all these adorable beanies, but as soon as we put them on you (especially since more than one well-meaning stranger has commented on how cold your bare head must be), you start wriggling and head banging and rubbing your head on your car seat/swing/bassinet trying to get it off. 
• Pacifiers. Last month we weren't sure, but now it's settled, you don't like fake nipples that don't have milk. 
• The last five minutes of tummy time. Holding up that 95th percentile head gets really tiring!

Ways you take after family members:

• Like mom, you only have one double eyelid, much to your 婆婆's dismay. 

• Like your dad, you enjoy a good fart or poop. 

• Like your big brother, you hate holding still to have your nails clipped. 

Names you've acquired:

• Baby guy: this is what we normally call you. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that your real name is Zachary. 
• Bebbers: this is what we call you when you're being especially cute. It's like the short form of Baby Guy, which is your "full name" for when you're in trouble, e.g. have spit up all over yourself right after putting on a new onesie.
• Sir: only Daddy calls you this, when you look especially serious. 
• Burperino: again, only Daddy uses this, and its etymology is obvious. 
• Babby: only Auntie Emily calls you this. 
• 仔仔: this is being tentatively explored as a possibility, since 婆婆 thinks Zachary is too long to say. 

This is definitely a Bebbers face. 

How Dad Feels About It All

Zachary,

It's been 7 weeks now and you're the most wonderful, beautiful son a father could have but you also don't sleep. I love you so much but I would love it even more if you would sleep for longer periods of time. Okay with that out of the way, we move on to one of my favorite improv games, 3 things!! (Also because people like things in threes.)

3 things that make you special:

• You have amazing head and neck control. When I pick you up, you can't wait to fling your head around like a bobblehead. 
• Your farts are as loud as mine and that isn't easy to do. 
• You're a champion eater. I've never seen a baby pound that much milk in that little time. 

Flinging yourself around during tummy time.

3 things I'm afraid of:

• That you're going to be an explosive ball of energy and that your parents won't be able to keep up. You already kick and punch up a storm like a baby MMA fighter. 
• That you're going to be taller than 6 foot. You're in the 90th percentile in height. That doesn't happen to Chinese babies. 
• That you're gonna be a big troll when you grow up. You already troll us with your eating and sleep habits. 

Helping you work on target practice with your punches.

3 things I can't wait for:

• To be able to teach you to ride a bike so we can go on rides together around the neighborhood and have our own adventures. 
• For Mom to be able to teach you the wonders of Legos. Maybe we'll start you off with Duplos so you don't choke on any... 
• For you to learn how to throw and play catch. I really enjoyed those times I had in my backyard with your grandpa and I want to share that with you. 

You're a great catch, baby guy!

3 things you hate:

• Getting your face washed 
• Fitting your arms through shirt sleeves 
• Sleeping 

In this picture, we 1) washed your face and 2) changed your shirt so that we could 3) put you down for a nap.
You were not having any of it. 

3 things I want you to become:

• A great leader 
• Compassionate towards others 
• Not a jerk

That's a tall order for such a tiny baby guy. 

Love,
Dad

How the First Month Went

Dear Zachary,

We did it. We kept you alive, fed, and watered well-hydrated for one month. We've kept your litterbox clean diapers changed and trimmed your claws (I'm not crossing that one out, because really, those nails are like daggers!) and generally tried not to compare you too much to your big brother Walnut. Honestly, they should really be more skeptical at hospitals before they let people loose with brand new human beings. Despite all the baby classes, books, websites, and conversations I've had leading up to your arrival, there's really nothing that truly prepared me for reality. Swaddling cats and changing the diapers on mannequins is nothing like doing so on a real live baby (FYI, it's marginally easier to swaddle you than Walnut, and decidedly more difficult to change your diaper than a mannequin's. Mannequins don't have projectile poop in three installments, for starters). Still, we learned and tentatively feel we've got a handle on this newborn care thing. I think. Crap, now that I've said that, you're going to pull a fast one on us and prove that we know nothing, Jon Snow.

I mean, just look at that smirk. 

Remember how I said in your birth story how much you were like your dad in your punctuality? Well, it turns out that you are really like your dad in a whole lot of other ways too: everyone who sees you says that you look just like him (despite having my eyes and mouth), you are a champion farter and pooper, and you are an overachiever. It only took you one week to recover your birth weight (and more!), you're in the 80th percentile for height and head circumference (but not weight -- you're a skinny baby guy, despite gaining over two pounds since birth), you got over the ubiquitous Asian jaundice in no time at all, your umbilical cord fell off cleanly after only a week and half, and your latch has had the admiration of nurses and lactation consultants since day one.

Unfortunately, you compensate for your achievements by being really, really bad at sleeping. You know how I said that the baby websites and books did not prepare us? Well, that's really because of the lies they told about how you'd be sleeping all the time as a newborn. Sixteen to twenty hours a day, they said. You'll have to try really hard to wake your baby to eat, they said. Ha! Try twelve hours a day, and eating every hour on the hour, with fifteen minute naps in between. I have to laugh at all those well-meaning people who say nap when baby naps, because by the time I fall asleep (despite the sleep-deprivation, I find it really hard to turn off my brain enough to drift off -- all those things I need to remember to do, but somehow can't because of the dreaded Mommy brain phenomenon), you're up again, ready to eat for another forty minutes. Lather, rinse, repeat. And yet, it's strangely satisfying nursing you, maybe because it shuts you up so effectively, or that your milk-drunk face is so obviously blissed out. It almost makes up for the feeding log that, according to your Auntie Candy, looks like somebody just threw confetti all over the screen. The only consolation is that your pediatrician says that sleeping so little can be a sign of intelligence, and maybe you'll do calculus at twelve! If so, you'll have two years over your dad, who started calculus at fourteen.

Milk-drunk face. 

All this to say, having you in our lives is a constant discovery process. For parents who are used to being overachievers themselves (and therefore being able to work hard enough or research enough to get the answer to anything and everything -- I am a classic Hermione whose first instinct is to look for the answer in the library Internet), it has been a humbling process. They (who are they, anyway? I want to punch them sometimes for saying all these things) say that there are things you can only learn once you become a parent, and to be honest, I was, and still am, very afraid of what God might use you to teach me. I like having the answers, I like being selfish, and I like getting lots of things done. He is using you to teach me that I just need to depend on Him for strength and grace (because otherwise there's no human way I'm making it through what feels like one long, sleepless postpartum night), that humans (and therefore babies, since they are small humans) are messy and don't follow the book, that I am more selfish at heart than I thought, but can grow in that area (yes, I will sacrifice my sleep to make sure that you are full and have a clean diaper, and I will hold you until my arm wants to fall off), that it's okay to just sit and rest and enjoy you in my arms.

With a growing love,
Mommy


Likes:

• Eating. It is your favorite thing to do, and any time you're crying, it's the only thing that reliably calms you down. 
• Bottle-feeding. I know this sounds redundant since your first like is eating in general, but even more than my boob, you love drinking pumped milk from a bottle. It takes you all of five minutes to pound 2.5 ounces, which always makes your daddy really excited. After a bottle, you always sleep for a lot longer than if you had breastfed. 
• Spitting up. This is probably a direct result of the previous activity, since all that eating-your-feelings inevitably results in more milk than your tiny tummy can handle. You always look really smug after spitting up, although that might be me reading into your expression.
• Projectile pooping in the middle of the night. You get really smiley after squirting it out all over the changing pad at 3 AM. 
• Bath time. I'm afraid you're going to take after me and enjoy taking your own sweet time in the warm water. 

"Amazing! I could get used to this bathing thing!"

• Falling asleep in the car.  Again, just like me, you find it impossible to stay awake for more than ten minutes if the car is moving. 
• Going outside. If you're upset and you can't possibly be hungry, and I've checked your diaper, burped you and given you gas drops, then going outside is the surefire way to shock you into silence. You also love going for walks in your stroller and usually relax or even start dozing. 
• Staring at my face. You look absolutely entranced, and it's absolutely endearing. 

Dislikes:

• Being put down during naps. You'll be sleeping as sweetly as can be in our arms, but as soon as you're put down in your Pack-N-Play, swing, or bouncer, you start freaking out. How dare we try to restore feeling in our arms!
• Getting out of the bath. As soon as we lift you out of the tub, you sound like you're being tortured. But once you're dried off, things are good again.  

• Red lights. If the car stops to obey traffic laws, you protest. Loudly. 
• Clothes being pulled over your head. Because of this, we always pull your onesie down when taking it off, regardless of whether it's poopy or not. 
• Dr. Harvey Karp and his 5S's. Okay, that's more me than you. I resent the carrot that he dangled in front of me -- do these things and your baby will be the happiest baby on the block! -- only to find that none of those things work on you, my sleep-resistant child. 

Still deciding about / it depends on your mood:

• You're still deciding if you like being carried in the Baby K'tan. Sometimes you're okay with it, but only if I'm bouncing and swaying. Once you even deigned to fall asleep in it for long enough for me to write a rec letter. 

• Pacifiers. We tried four different brands of pacifier before finding one that you don't hate, but don't like either. You look really unsure when we give it to you, like you're trying to decide if you should cry or not. 

• That swing that your dad spent so much money on. It's always a toss-up, whether you'll sit in it or not, or whether you want the setting turned to high, low, or not at all. 
• Tummy time. Sometimes you almost seem to enjoy it, and you make all sorts of faces, but sometimes you most definitely are over it. 

Ridonkulous. 

Walnut supervises you during tummy time. 

People's reactions to you:

• Your 婆婆's first order of business (after cutting your umbilical cord) was to check whether you have double eyelids or not. This is so typical, I just have to laugh. 
• Your Auntie Emily managed to take four pictures of the placenta that nourished you, but none of actual you. 
• Your Uncle Derek said that holding you for the first time "exceeded expectations."
• On our first trip to the pediatrician, we stopped by Starbucks because we were dying so sleep-deprived, and a random old man walked by your stroller, looked at you, and said emphatically, "Future leader!"
• Your pediatrician actually proclaimed you an overachiever, because of your fantastic weight gain. 
• Your Auntie Elaine, upon finding out that we called you "baby burrito," wrote a little song for you based off of the lyrics to "Baby Beluga."

All wrapped up like a California burrito!

Ways you take after family members:

• You have a super long skinny torso, just like your mom. Despite being in the 37th percentile for weight, you are in the 81st percentile for height, and we know it's all in the torso because you are already too long for your newborn onesies. This means you have to wear the 3 month onesies, which then look ridiculous because you could fit two of you inside, they're so wide. 
• You like to poop after your diaper has just been changed, just like your big brother, who poops right after we clean out his litterbox. And like Walnut, you claw and kick frantically when you're not pleased about being carried. 
• You like to leave just one bite, just like your dad. You'll pound the whole bottle in three minutes, but leave just one little gulp of milk in there that you refuse to finish. 

Nope. Not having any of it.